What's the Worst that can Happen?

A lot of us live with a hum of anxiety in our heads. And whatever the precise root of this appears to be, a common theme is concerns about the future. Specifically, something that we don’t want to happen. Maybe it’s the fear of missing a deadline, displeasing a senior colleague, losing our job or having our partner leave us. Some evolutionary psychologists argue that we are hardwired to be vigilant to potential threats. Unfortunately, the modern-day equivalents of predatory animals and food insecurity can be seen in pretty much every facet of our lives.

One common experience, I think, is that many of us have fears that are based on things that never actually come to pass. Mark Twain - the American novelist and humourist - is quoted as saying, “I’m an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” I sometimes refer to this quote in sessions, and it invariably gets a collective nod of recognition from the audience. The problem is, we don’t know which – if any - of the smorgasbord of unwanted outcomes in our future will actually turn up at some point in our present. So, even if we intellectually accept that we may be worrying about something that may not happen, that does not necessarily take the anxiety away.

What I want to talk about in this newsletter is an approach which can take a large chunk of anxiety out of the unknown. The inspiration for this came from a recent coaching conversation. In short, my client was up for a significant promotion, but the ultimate decision was still a couple of weeks away. Lots of people in this situation perhaps have a lot invested in the ultimate decision, and might be distracted or anxious about the possibility of being passed over.

However, the person in question was quite sanguine about the whole thing. They commented that, should they not be promoted, they still know their value and might even seek employment elsewhere. I got the genuine impression that, while they had a preferred outcome, the alternative was something they had contemplated, were open to and even comfortable with. As a result, they were not anxious about the ultimate decision because, in a way, either way, they win.

Some years ago, I was talking to a group of Partners in a magic circle law firm about the idea of not being too attached to specific outcomes. I was making the point that being open to different eventualities can take a lot of stress out of situations. One of the participants then recounted a story that made the point for me.

He told the group about the time he was in the Partner selection process at a top-tier law firm. The stress had been mounting for months, and eventually his wife asked him point-blank why he was so distant, preoccupied and agitated. After he ‘pointed out the obvious’, his wife asked him to contemplate what life would be like if he did not make Partner. She, in effect, asked him if his life, in a secure job at a prestigious firm, not to mention his marriage and three daughters, somehow represented ‘failure’. In essence, she was asking: Is his life as it was then really that bad?

This man told me that once his wife made him aware that he already had a good life, seeing that the ‘worst case scenario’ was , in essence, quite acceptable and even desired, helped drain a lot of the stress from the situation. He actually said that he felt his new mindset helped him perform better in his final interview.

In late 2021, I was reading an online article about a 7-year-old Amelia Jones who had ‘a hug from Nana’ as one of her Christmas wishes. The two other items on her list were ‘a pet’ and ‘a medical kit’. The story centred on the fact that her family blindfolded her and surprised her with a hug from her grandmother. But what really caught my eye about this story is what she wrote after listing her three wishes.

This is another example of someone having preferences, but at the same time being comfortable with other outcomes. As an aside, I sometimes think we have a lot to learn from children.

WHAT WORKS?

So, in short, when we find ourselves anxious about a potential future outcome, it can be helpful to sit with it for a bit, get a clearer picture of what it is we are fearing, and then contemplate whether this unwanted outcome is really that bad. Because the more comfortable we get with these ‘unwanted’ outcomes, the less anxious we will generally be about the great unknown.