'Fake it 'til you make it' gets a bad press. Why I believe we should embrace it.

I was recently having dinner with a friend, and the topic of my stopping smoking many years ago came up. A critical catalyst here was reading The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. Here are three things that stuck with me from the book:

1. Addiction to cigarettes is more psychological than chemical.

2. It’s critical to focus on what we’re getting out of not smoking (and not dwell on what we’re ‘missing out on’).

3. How we talk about ourselves and to ourselves is important. For example, “I don’t smoke” is generally more powerful and useful than “I’m trying not to smoke”.

This last concept came back to me the very next day when I was facilitating a workshop. At one point, I was talking about gratitude, and asked the group if anyone already had a ‘gratitude practice’. One of the attendees (I did not ask her name, but let’s call her Valerie) said that she incorporates gratitude into her morning prayers. Then she offered something else: she would deliberately embody the ‘person that she wanted to be’ (my words, not hers). Basically, Valerie would get into a state where it felt as if what she wanted in life had already happened.

I was (and am) very enthusiastic about this approach. While what is sometimes termed ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ does have a whiff of fakery about it, I see it differently. My belief is that it sends our unconscious mind a powerful message that we are capable of the change we seek. And perhaps this, more than any other, was at the root of my stopping smoking success (I had tried and failed several times previously, but I don’t think my mind was right, if I’m honest).

More recently, I realised I’ve used the same approach to overcome some limiting beliefs. For example, I used to be so crippled by the thought of public speaking that I could not even read aloud in class at school. But, when I was 17, I made some sort of decision that I was going to be comfortable 'performing' in front of an audience, and opted for drama as a non-academic pursuit at school. I remember internally instructing myself that 'I can act'. Weirdly (or perhaps not), my ‘stage fright’ evaporated overnight.

For what it’s worth, there is some psychological theory that supports this phenomenon. In the late ‘60s, American psychologist Daryl Bem proposed what he called 'self-perception theory'. The fundamental idea here is that we don't just act according to our beliefs; we also form our beliefs by observing our own behaviour. In other words, what we do shapes what we think about ourselves, not just the other way around.

This runs counter to how most people think about change. The conventional assumption is usually that first I'll feel, say, confident, then I'll act confidently. Bem's work suggests this has the order of operations backwards: that behaviour often comes first, and the internal state follows after.

If there's a version of yourself you're working towards - as a leader, a communicator, a calmer or more decisive presence – maybe consider this: what would that person do differently, today? Not in some future state when everything feels right. Today.

Perhaps start the day with a strong intention of being the version of yourself you prefer, just like Valerie.